Sometimes there are things I don’t tell my friends in real life because it feels inappropriate and even a tad bit personal in some ways; but I also feel like needing to pour my thoughts out somewhere, sometime, you know? Otherwise the feeling is like gnawing you away bit by bit and one of those days, your heart will be completely empty and you’re going to wear a fake smile all the time. So, this is one of those don’t-know-who-to-talk-to moments and I decided to share it with you–whoever is reading now–and I guess(hope) it works.
Last night, I dreamt of my dead friend.
I think I mentioned him in my book review of Looking for Alaska by John Green and he’s exactly the one showing up in my dream. Honestly, I seldom have dreams or nightmares because I’m always exhausted and sleep like a log afterward. Thus, I’m not sure what his appearance in one of my rare dreams is supposed to mean.
In case you’re wondering, I met him(forgive me for not asking him his English name when he’s still alive) four years ago in a summer camp(class, actually). He was that kind of guy who always looks on the bright side no matter how harsh his living condition is or how terrible his days have been. He was probably the most optimistic and funniest person I’ve ever known. He was rather talkative, both in class and during the break. He had all those classic punchlines I never knew of so he always made people around him laugh out loud within minutes. He didn’t have a “whole” family; his dad was drunk the entire time and abandoned him and his mother. However, he didn’t give up on himself at all. Instead, he loved his mom so much and worked as many part-time jobs as possible to make ends meet. Believe me, this isn’t another romanticized fairytale; it’s a true story and the protagonist is my friend, excuse me, was my friend.
Long story short, if it weren’t for his age, (well, I have this weird rule of not dating guys younger than me)–despite the fact that he was just four months younger than me– he’d be my boyfriend by the end of the summer camp. I mean, he practically told everyone in the camp EXCEPT me that he had a crush on me and naturally, I was the last one to know about it, and he didn’t tell me in person even then. (Guess how I figured it out? Well, I had this strange feeling before everything became clear and I knew, way before someone told me, that there might be something between us soon. But I didn’t want to embrace it because breaking someone’s heart is the worst thing ever. Anyway, I was turning around a corner on my way to the classroom when a bunch of people were discussing “whether to tell me” and yeah, it was kind of awkward after caught (accidentally) eavesdropping their conversation but, that was how everything started and ended, technically.)
Since I wasn’t ready to start a relationship and partly because of my stupid rule at that time, we weren’t a thing but remained good friends. Three years passed; at first we did keep in touch online but we’d never met in person ever since. And later, we started getting farther and farther away from each other because schools and other activities got in the way. The last time I’ve heard of him was last August, when he was deceased due to a severe infection of his burning wound from a party accident.
One year and a few months later, I dreamt of him. I don’t know if it’s coincidence because it’s supposed to be his birthday on October 16th, exactly three days prior to my dream. Anyway, in the dream, he was laughing happily with some guy or girl (I couldn’t identify that person clearly) in a fully sunlit room. It was the brightest place I’ve ever seen in my life, I swear. I saw him laughing brightly and shoving the unidentified person playfully, like the way he used to be when he was still in this world. As far as I’m concerned, he died a single man and his biggest dream was to have a girlfriend(he couldn’t stop making fun of his relationship status!).
It was a short but otherworldly vivid dream; I still remembered every single detail of him and that piece of memory (stored somewhere in my heart?) in it. As if he was telling me that he indeed found his love in heaven, or wherever he went, because the last thing I witnessed before waking up was that he hugged and kissed that unknown person (who had his/her back to me) and he smiled that big, happy, blissful, and charming smile he always has at me.
Even after waking up from that bizarre dream, the image of him and the extreme happiness emitting from him were utterly real for me. I’ve been thinking about that dream and of course, him, the entire day and what he was trying to tell me. I mean, maybe he did return to our world on his birthday or something and visited the people he used to and still cared about. Or perhaps, this whole stuff was just what I’d fantasized; after all, there’s no evidence for such dreams and not everyone believes me. Either way, I’d love to know what you think! So please leave a comment below to let me know whether you have better interpretation of this, or feel free to share your similar experience with me. ❤
Lastly, I just want him to know that I truly miss him and I’m so glad I had such a nice dream about his well-being. All is well, right, buddy?